maybe… it is

if i dont, why i find myself
yearning to see you, be with you, touch you

if i dont, why i feel restless
when i feel something bothers you

and why do i care so much
that you are ok, not lonely nor blue

if i dont, why i find myself also thinkin
sometimes dreamin about you

then there are moments
i even cry and its all because of you

if i dont, why when the phone rings
id like to believe its you

if i dont, why i want to be near you
always, always (but i try to hold myself)

if i dont, why i enjoy kisses and embrace
though its brotherly

if i dont, why i can stay and listen
to your broken hearted stories
knowing your heart belongs to someone else

if i dont, why i wish you to have her
if i dont, why i want you to find such happiness
though my heart crashes

then maybe, yes, it is… maybe its affection, care
and then maybe, yo te quiero?

its funny and hard to explain but the feelings are true. i have confusions, questions on reasons.
but its a good feeling to care for someone. its a big surprise, but its good to know that I can care and love in a special way again.

autumn then winter

without sun leaves wither, fall and die – slowly until the tree is left with nothing. every autumn, every year, it happens.

on the other hand man has the ability to resist and survive without the sun. there are sources of heat and warmth that give men the ability to withstand cold both literally and figuratively.

man’s genius created technologies – heater, winter clothes, etc. to protect everyone from the nail-biting coldness of winter. for one coming from a tropical country, its hard to imagine how i could have survived italy without them.

then we have the human blanket that comes in handy when we are lucky enough to be surrounded by family, friends and loved ones. warmth and heat from people, yes they are the best protection from the possibility of being frozen.

lazy weekend

12 nov.

yesterday and today were two lazy days for us. the first half of the day i had to organize the things i should send earlier so that my baggage will not be over the limit. i also organized all the readings we had to study for an exam. i then had lunch, took a shower and then had tea with my Fatos and my dear Gonchi. (my other favorite man, Cliffor, went to Sienna for the weekend.)

in the evening after dinner, we went to see a theater production, Don Quixote. after the show was finished at around 11PM, we walked around town to search for some coffee or hot chocolate. can you imagine that it took us an hour and a half to find one? hay, Torino is really incredible. it was saturday night and all the bars were closed.

anyways, we found a bar, sit for around 40 minutes. afterwards, we didnt find a bus nor a tram in the area. we walked for another hour and a half looking for a taxi and there was none. it was really crazy because when we finally found the taxi it was already 4am.

what an adventure…

13 nov.

today, we spent the first half of the day, of course sleeping. after lunch we watched a movie about the Women Oppression in Afghanistan, the title is OSAMA. it was unfortunate that it was in Arabic language with subtitles only in Turkish language because it was Fatos (a Turkish Cypriot) who brought it from her country. but we managed to understand from the scenes and also with the kind translation of Fatos. I feel pity to the women who are abused and oppressed by stupid men who think they are lords. Excuse me, but I would say, fuck them! and it is not just about the imbalance of power but the entire extremist thinking – women cannot go out of the house without a male companion. ridiculous!

now, i am answering my e-mails…


In life we meet many people. Some for a few seconds during a ride in a bus, some for a few hours while waiting for a delayed flight. Some people we meet during conferences and meetings, and still some others in a party or dinner organized by friends, colleagues and acquaintances. Yes, there are many, many occasions we meet people of different races, religion, social status, beliefs and traditions.

However, among the thousands that we meet, only a few leave marks, and still only a number in our lifetime makes that connection with us – people who in a brief moment touch our lives and become part of it in one way or another through their thoughts, words, and gestures. Some encounters may ignite us to pose questions about the world, the social status quo and can even question our own existence. And then some can even inspire us to traverse new directions, look back or simply seize every moment of the present.

For these reasons, we have to always be ready and open to listen and feel because we may never know how one person can enrich us. Perhaps, it is a mistake to believe that in our lifetime all the people we meet will leave this kind of mark. They are rare and very precious.

Time will be the test of how one encounter with someone will affect us in this entire journey of life but somehow, you can still feel in an instant, in a snap if it really touched you in a special way. This is the greatest mystery and the beauty of it is that it can never be measured in any material sense, it is purely spiritual…

– inspired by Gonchi, Cliffor, Fatos, Elah, Phuong – my habibis
Torino, Italy, 2005

to love and to hold?

is it possible to love someone and not hold him or her – meaning not expect love in return and still be happy?

yes, it is possible but the pain will always be there.

but if you hold him or her and then comes the time that he or she wants to go, its going to crush you.

in that case, perhaps its better to always be in pain not having him or her. somehow you get used to it. you live in it.

otherwise, losing someone is synonymous to death of a part of you. and sometimes, rather most of the time, it takes a lifetime to recover and sometimes even impossible.

so how then can we love and be happy – in the real sense of the word? how can we love, be secured and contented? if its impossible, life means nothing at all.

i believe in love and its mysteries but its a puzzle, a struggle.

the greatest thing is to find that someone but it may take a lifetime.